A Pantless Afternoon

I'm about to leave work and go to the doctor's office. I've been battling the flu and chest congestion for about a month now and with a wave of nausea that almost knocked me and my equilibrium on my ass this morning (literally), I figured it was time to suck up my feelings about co-pays and get that bacteria inside of me dealt with. I believe I have some sort of pneumonia. Swine flu? Maybe. Let's dream small for right now. I mean just the thought of everyone making pig noises at me if I do have it...it's almost too much goodness to think about. Whatever it is, I plan on sitting in that room with my pants off for hours. Why? Well you always need to have your pants off when receiving any kind of prognosis. I think it's because if it's really bad news, you can't really think about it because your standing in a room with a person who is fully clothed and you're without pants. Touche' doctor...touche'.

All You Have To Do Is Listen

I know that working at fast food restaurants might not be the end result of your professional dreams. All I am asking is that when you take an order...you punch it in, write it down, say it over and over until the customer drives up...something.

Scene : Yesterday in the drive-thru at Sonic. No one in front of me. The day was overcast.

Sonic Lady : Welcome to Sonic, would you like to try our blah blah blahdity blah for only 4.99?

Me : No thank you, I would like a #3 with a Coke.

Sonic Lady : That's a #3 with a Coke, would that be all?

Me : That'll be it.

Sonic Lady : Your total is $4.01, please drive up.

Now, for some reason my debit card was missing from my wallet. I had to put $4.01 on my credit card. Made me a bit frustrated. I hand her the card and she runs it, hands it back. I'm still frustrated.

Sonic Lady : Ok, here is your medium Coke. And here is your Coney. Thank you and come back!

Me : Ummm, what about the fries?

Sonic Lady : You didn't order fries.

Me : A #3?

Sonic Lady : You only ordered the Coney.

Me : ........ The #3?

Sonic Lady : Yes.

Now it became a staring contest. My main goal was for her to realize that I did in fact order the entire combo and not just sections of it. After about 5 seconds or so, you could tell it hit her...

Sonic Lady : (she leans back to the Sonic Fry Dude) Can I get a medium fry?

She hands me my fries and says "thanks", like I just caused her not to be able to go on vacation this year. I didn't care, I wanted the #3. With fries.

Side note : My debit card had fallen in between my console and seat. Of course discovering that was after the fact.

Oh Wait, There's More

I found out that my "letters" to random annoyances seem to be a small hit. Good to hear.

Dear Lady at Wal-Mart In The Frozen Food Section,

Why must you leave your basket on one side of the aisle with it sticking out to the middle of the aisle, only to stand on the complete other side with one of the doors open? Are you in your kitchen with your refrigerator? You lean on that door like you're searching for a midnight snack. I know it's weird but I'm pretty sure that glass was made to see through what's on the other side of it. I say all that to say this : Move. Your. Cart.

Sincerely,

Guy Who Just Wants Out Of That Store

Also...

Dear Basket I Seem To Get Every Single Time I Walk Into That Dumb Store Only To Have That Same Squeaky Wheel That Barely Moves At All So Everyone Stares At Me Like I'm Not Pushing It Correctly,

F. You.

Sincerely,

Guy About To Lose It

Next On Intervention...

Back story: There is someone I interact with Monday through Friday, 8:00am - 5:00 pm. Sometimes (everyday), he feels the need to publicly adjust himself. Sometimes it's with his hand. Sometimes he tries to shake it out. Most times there's scratching involved and every time it's awkward and gross. So, here is my intervention moment for The Nutshaker Guy.

Dear Crotch Grabber,

Enough. This needs to stop now. I don't know if you have something living down there, if it gets all twisted up all the time or if you secretly enjoy it. People have noticed. They have commented. You make no attempt to hide your hobby and it needs to stop. You have no idea what this daily display of funk has done to the morale of the office. Some have gotten sick while others have shut down completely. The good news is that you have the power to change... to be nut shakin' free. You must do whatever it takes to keep yourself from "shakin' it out" while in discussion with your female co-workers. They know, man. They. All. Know. If this problem doesn't get fixed, there will be consequences that will pretty much consist of you, caught in the act and humiliation. STOP IT.

We all believe in you.

Sincerely,

Guy That Knows Better

Facebook vs. 25 Reasons Why It Sucks

Fellow friend and blogger Holley (click here to meet her) had this video on her site...so I borrowed it...and put it on mine.  It's okay, we are close.  It's pretty hilarious and everything this guy Julian says about Facebook is true.  So true.

But if you would just click here to be my friend, I would appreciate it.

In The Element

I found this picture a long time ago.  Recently I was in Photoshop messing around and I took the photo and put a cutout effect to it, making it a bit abstract.  I thought to myself that it would make a pretty cool painting.  I began it last night around 11:00 pm and finished it around 4:00 am this morning.  It was one of the first paintings where I was into it from start to finish.  It's called In The Element and I just thought I would share.  Let me know what you think and if you don't know who it is, stop reading this blog.

Just kidding.  In fact if you do read this blog...go to the left side of the blog and scroll down until you see the google connect section.  Then click Follow.  Follow me.  Personally, I don't have a big hang up about people not following.  The guy that writes this thing, does.  

He can be a handful at times.

Saturday In 3D

So I met a friend for a movie today.  The plan was to see Observe and Report but at the last minute, decided to see Monsters vs. Aliens.  Sometimes you just need a couple hours to completely get lost in color, you know what I mean?  So we were walking to the actual theater room and there were these two attendants standing there.  I was looking off for some reason, not paying attention and they said something to us.  My friend says, "Shut up, no way?"  I got back into the moment and they were handing out 3D glasses for the movie.  The movie was in 3D.  I can't tell you the last time I watched a movie in 3D.  Awesome. In the attempt of losing ourselves in this wholesome fun, we were given special glasses to make that attempt that much better.  Then after the movie as I drove home, I switched to whatever was in the disc changer and Strawberry Swing was queued up just for me.  So I opened the sunroof, both windows and began tapping my left foot to the drum rhythm.  

"It's such a perfect day. It's such...a perfect day...."

Letter To A Lady

Dear Wal-Mart lady standing behind me in the checkout lane,

We all have busy days. Some days are worst than others. How about next time, after you watch me unload an entire basket full of food to the belt thing, you not ask me if you could have my cart because your tired of carrying your crap? My food covered the entire belt, what did you think I was gonna do with the food once I was done paying for it? Fold it all up and slide it in my pocket? Also, when I state that I would need to, I don't know, transport the food from the store to my car, I could really do without the big annoying sigh you gave. I know it must be difficult to figure out...with one arm holding a bunch of Weight Watcher meals and the other holding a half gallon of ice cream and 2 bags of Funyuns... why the fat is still hanging over your shorts. It's a mystery. Regardless... don't ask me for my basket.

Sincerely,

The Yellow Factor

Doing A Friend A Solid

Time for a friendly plug.  I've been talking to a friend of mine who has been keeping me laughing on a semi-daily basis.  It's all through email and some of the stuff she responds with always has me saying to myself, "That needs to be in a blog post".  So I asked her to start a blog.  And she has done just that.  It's brand new.  Like today new.  New car smell and everything.  You can find her blog under the left hand section titled "Blogs Better Than Mine"  (sigh...)  or just click the link below.  Either way, you will be getting on the ground floor of a soon to be very funny blog.  Or soon, I will have wasted a lot of your time.  Life's a crapshoot. 

Come meet Jen at Don't Bite Your Friends.

Who Needs The Radio For Entertainment?

Today while driving to work: Saw two people sitting at a bus stop. A young man and a lady. The man looked normal...just waiting for the bus. The lady was talking rather fast and expressively to the gentleman who seemed to have no interest in her stories. She was also wearing a bicycle helmet.

No bicycle to be found.

If she would have had on a lifevest, I probably would have crashed.

Viva La Tap

I found something awesome.  Hang with me as I get a bit geeky about an iPhone app.  Most apps for me are fun for about 5 minutes, then I trash them. I always go for the free ones based on that fact.  If I have bought any apps, the highest I've spent has been 1.99 I think.  There is an app called Tap Tap Revenge.  It's basically Guitar Hero for your fingers.  You tap on a particular spot as the moving circle comes to that spot as it's all combined with the rhythm of the song.  The problem is that they usually use generic songs.  I can't really get into songs that I've never heard, especially since they sound like lame generic ringtones. Until now.  They have released Tap Tap Revenge: Coldplay Edition.  4.99.  Worth. Every. Cent.   If you like Coldplay's music, have pretty good hand/eye coordination...and an iPhone, you should download it.

Ok, geek moment over.

Fine, I'll Do It

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, and an aeroplane - Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn,world serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs. Feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, The ladder starts to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire in a fire, representing seven games, a government for hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped. Look at that low playing! Fine, then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn. Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle, light a motive. Step down, step down.Watch your heel crush, crushed. Uh-oh, this means no fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. (It's time I had some time alone)It's the end of the world as we know it (It's time I had some time alone) and I feel fine.

The other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide. Mountains sit in a line Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev. Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it. (It's time I had some time alone)It's the end of the world as we know it (It's time I had some time alone) and I feel fine...


In case anyone has ever wondered, but could never remember to google it.

You're welcome.

Turn Off The T.V.

Sometimes I want to kick my own ass...or just turn off the television. It all started when I was about 7 and the big bad wolf was chasing Benji in a movie and he jumped over a cliff to his death. I bawled. Then years later, certain movies like Rudy and Armageddon can start waterworks with specific scenes. Every time. It is known that I have never been able to sit through one episode of Extreme Home Makeover without suffering. That's fine, I don't mind being sensitive to seeing peoples lives changing for the better. Now it's The Biggest Loser. A dad and his son who are huge go on the show and are losing tons of weight while the other son (yeah, huge) sits back home eating his resentment in Twinkies by the box. They bring the kid on to see his dad and brother and you could tell in his eyes just how bad. he. felt. Sad. Then I see a commercial for some Michael J. Fox special about his life and how he is still so very optimistic about finding a cure.... First, there probably isn't a person growing up that I wanted to be more than M.J. Fox. I remember wanting to wear ties to school, just like Alex P. Keaton. I remember coming home from the movies, wanting my skateboard to hover like Marty McFly's. It's hard to see him so optimistic against a disease that is so brutal and punishing. Then...THEN, I see the preview of the new Jamie Foxx movie 'The Soloist' coming out. Are you kidding me? A gifted and talented black kid with the world before him somehow loses his way, his brain turns on him and he ends up homeless with no support playing the violin on the streets. I don't stand a chance.

All I'm saying is I need something Tarantino-ish... like now.

Nineteen Ninety-Suck

Here are the top 5 songs the year I graduated high school.

1.   End Of The Road - Boyz II Men

2.  Baby Got Back - Sir-Mix-Alot  (really?)

3.  Jump - Kris Kross

(sigh...)

4.  Save The Best For Last - Vanessa Williams

5.  Baby Baby Baby - TLC

Proof that people can and do grow up in the wrong era.

Catwoman Is Cold

A co-worker had an assignment. He was placing faces of other co-workers on the bodies of superheroes. The reason was that our company was about to have a function with a superhero theme. He got to the CFO of the company. 2nd in command. He had her face on a comic rendition of catwoman. A very sexy catwoman. With a great body. And big boobs...that seemed to be very cold.

One thing you have to know... he is not from this country. He is from somewhere far, far away where I'm sure they understand all of his words, all of the time. As a couple of us are looking at the picture, we tell him that it looks good, but that he might want to find another pic because of the whole boob area and how it was going up in front of the entire company that night...and again the cold boob area. He replies with, "Yeah, but they're not her nipples?"

Some days are so much better than others.

Trusting Yellow Rectangles

Did you know that everyone automatically trusts hundreds of people every single day whether you want to or not? You trust hundreds of people with your life and you don't even realize it.

All that is stopping a car from hitting you head on during your drive to and from anywhere, are a series of yellow rectangles painted on the ground.

Have fun in that left lane today.

Change

Have you ever felt like something major is about to happen and you don't know if it's going to be good or bad?  You don't know how all the "in your head" moments you have been battling the past few months will affect your life?  

For some reason I have felt that this year would be the year of changes for me.  Major changes.  I've fully expected these magical changes to be positive.  Maybe with the career.  Maybe with relationships. Maybe the idea of moving to a different city or state and starting over.  Maybe with being able to relate better with everyone around me.  Good changes.  Helpful changes.

What if it's bad change?

What if all this talk about preparing myself for change is only to get me ready to endure something heart breaking?  Losing a friendship, the death of someone close...doors being shut in your face...  Why is it so much easier for me to look at so many horrible reasons than any good ones?   I understand that life, for the most part, is sometimes excruciating.  So many answers that have to be understood that they will always remain unanswered.  It's life.  But at some point you have to bring with you to every moment the determination that things can be positive.  Things can be how you want them to be.  Things, though devastating at the time, can always possess a spot that is positive and true.  It's the art of finding that spot, sometimes microscopic spot, that makes it easier to go through life on a slightly more positive slope than the seemingly never ending negative drop.  

At least I hope so.