And What's Your Name?

Last Saturday I went to a party with a friend. I was asked to go by the sister of my friend. This party was the birthday party of her best friend who passed away a year ago. Yeah. Now, with how I don't really know the sister all that well and not knowing any of the guests, I thought about not going. But my friend asked for a favor. She tells me that this group...can get to her at times. Sometimes they are too much to handle and that she needed someone to focus on during this, how I see it... strange party. I agreed. There were about 45 people in a 1400 sq ft house. It was snug. Extra special was the fact that the AC decided to die that morning. Let me recap.... I am at a party that my best friend's sister asked me to go to that was for her best friend's birthday who passed away last year in a 1400 sq ft house with 43 strangers without air conditioning. My night was full of "And who are you?" and a bunch of stares. There was even a friend that kept trying to get into the dog food tub.....for many reasons we think.... Those that know me on a personal level might imagine what kind of skin I felt in that night. Awkward. The friend that passed, his whole family was there, everyone sharing stories... I felt in the wrong place. But I promised my friend (I really need to find a nickname for her) that I would stick it out because I knew she was at her end with the whole day. Let me get to why this is post-worthy. There was a 4 year old girl there. The daughter of one of the friends that was a friend of the guy..you know. Anyway, I had been there a couple hours and was in the kitchen. She comes up to me and says "....and what's your name?" I tell her "My name is Jerrod, what's your name?" She whispers loudly "My name is Isabella..." and runs outside. As everyone was leaving, my friend and I were outside the front saying goodbye to everyone. Well, she was saying goodbye, I just smiled and repeated, "yeah, I'm her friend.." Isabella comes running out the front door and exclaims, "I have to hug everyone!" She comes over, looks up at me and hugs my leg and says "bye bye".

At that point I couldn't remember what was awkward about that night. Except the heavily medicated friend vs. the dog food tub.

You'll Thank Me Later

Also... If I am forced to have this song stuck in my head all day... you do too.


ENJOY.

Talented And Creepy

Ummm... I guess I'll give my two cents on the passing of Michael Jackson. The Michael Jackson of the last 10 - 15 years : creepy on so many levels. The whole skin thing, the plastic surgery thing, the kids always wearing masks thing, the touchy touchy with the little boys thing...it all spells out to creepy.

Now... the Micheal Jackson of say...25-30 years ago : The dude was so good at his job. I remember being scared of the Thriller video and amazed of the Billie Jean video. I thought only MJ could light up a sidewalk with his moonwalking feet. And take it from a white kid owning the red zipper jacket from the Beat It video... The guy knew how to sing and dance.

The MJ he turned into was just a sad and alone mess. And you guessed it...creepy.

So when I think of MJ, not that I really do or have since I was 10, I think of trying to learn the Thriller dance in my room (after I wasn't scared of it of course) and wanting to wear that dumb red zipper jacket everyday. Every. Day.

Whole New Kind Of Stress

I've decided to buy a house..and it's faareaking me out. It's pretty much due to the free eight grand Barack will send me if I buy one of those dumb things, but still. I was talking to my mom about it this past weekend and she said something that brought a whole new level of stress to my already pessimistic brain. "Well you need to get into a house really soon because you will really want to be able to pay the house off before you retire." Umm, what? All I heard was this : Next thing for me to do is buy a house and then after it's paid off, I'll be retired and near death. Fantastic. Don't get me wrong, I really want buy a house, this whole renting stuff is like wiping your ass with half your monthly take home pay. But I am really hoping for calm nerves to take over and get me to that place where I can walk into this situation and not go into absolute panic mode. If I seem a bit weird on here (more than normal, shut up) let's just chalk it up to me thinking if I buy a house, it will be my coffin. If anyone has any good home buying stories they would like to send my way, feel free. If you want to send me Jack and Cokes until I'm numb, you too will be my hero.

McCrap

Scene: Drive-thru window this morning. I pull up to the menu spot to wait for the cue to present my order. It was 8:15 in the morning and already hot as balls outside.


Menu Voice : Hewwo, may I take you order?

Me : I would like a #5 with a large coke.

Menu Voice : What would you like?

Me : A #5 with a large coke.

Menu Voice : Go ahead with you order.

Me : #5. Large coke.

Menu Voice : #5 with coke?

Me : Yes.

Menu Voice : Okay... come to second window.

I pull around and I find two people standing at the register. One was training the lady that I had the pleasure of chatting with back at the menu spot. I don't know where she was from but I swear that she had my change in one hand and a book titled "Learn Engrish the McFun Way!" in the other. She told me to have a rovery day and as I drove off with my breakfast, the #5(chicken biscuit and hash brown) and large coke actually became just a chicken biscuit and medium diet coke.

Land of opportunity they say...

Mmm. That Sounds Good. I'll Have That...

Have you ever just sat down to lunch or dinner and the waitress comes up to the table and is sweating profusely? Like beads of sweat, taking their journey from forehead to eyeball. It can really ruin a meal.

Okay, discuss.

New Look For No Good Reason

I needed a change of scenery.  I also like white space.  Something very clean about it.  I somehow can go through this life of mine full of chaos but the blog I write... very clean.  Organized.  I'm sure there's a lesson here somewhere but I'm just a bit too arrogant and exhausted to try and find it.  Let me know if you like the new look.  You can also let me know if you hate it.  I won't give a crap but it just may bring us closer together.  Bonding is good.  We might even hug.

Even if you've never seen the show... this clip will explain why you should.

What Was That Again?

Quote of the day - Guy at KFC drive-thru : "Uh, sorry... we don't got none no Dr. Pepper tonight."

Word Story One : PSA

Here it is. The list of words you created. And my PSA I created. Enjoy.


trailer, poor, trash, loser, idiot, midget, credit, pantry, welfare, charity, compass, axillism, diabolical, brown eye, visitor, foam, treasure chest, frankly, your mom, pirate hooker, yob, flipping, catflap, turd, Darth Vader, blouses, chocolate milk, pills, velociraptor, Caligula, spices, jury, converse, pendulum, ambiguous, waffles, hooligan, spelunking, fathom, armadillo, salacious, you put your weed in there.



You're on welfare so you're poor. You live in a trailer with so much trash in it, the place looks like a treasure chest for an armadillo. Your daily dinner consists of chocolate milk and waffles. Your mom is in love with a midget who deals pills dressed up as the diabolical Darth Vader. You're flipping out because the cash is gone and your ambiguous to the fact that the only visitor you have seen in several days was a pirate hooker looking for spices and a compass. Weird. You think the spices because of some monster chili they were making and the compass because you think you put your weed in there. You try and converse with this loser but the only thing they want to talk about is their most recent spelunking adventure. You are regularly seen asking for charity but then you remember that one time when that idiot offered to buy you three blouses for a look at your brown eye. You never understood that math. All you want is to fill the pantry. You can't fathom another day with another hooligan humping you like a velociraptor with foam in their mouth, so you did what anyone else would do and frankly, you should just let Caligula and the jury decided your fate. Can't be any worse than that time you had to pick up turd in the back and locked yourself out. The only entrance back in being the catflap and of course you get stuck. Pirate hooker comes by and views the brown eye...transaction complete. All you really want in this life is a yob with good credit. You've got stuff to buy. You're just waiting for the clock to move along like a pendulum, waiting for your day when you meet that special someone who isn't just salacious but has excellent axillism technique. because people, in the end, it's all about axillism technique.





42 words. None of it makes sense. Some of your owe me....

Here's An Idea

Because of his ability to make me shoot snot bubbles out of my nose from his hilarious posts and my ability to "steal" post ideas, Mad Dog has given me an idea. I need some help from all of you. I need a list of random words. I shall take said words and will write something, using all the words. It could be a story, it could be a PSA. Oh man, I hope it's a PSA. I will need between 10-15 words. No phrases. Well, phrases are fine if they are good ones, like "drop it like it's hot" and "booyah!". If this turns out to be a complete wreck of an idea, I will delete everything and we can all movie on with their glamorous lives. So... in the meantime, shoot me some words....and get some popcorn.

TYF

The Hangover...With Some Added High Blood Pressure

I went and saw 'The Hangover' last night with some friends. I laughed for two hours. Straight. There were so many funny lines and situations. Zack Galifianakis steals the entire movie. If you even remotely enjoy movies like 'Old School' or 'Superbad', you've got to see it. That is my review. Go. See. It. You would think a hilarious movie would make the whole experience awesome, right? Wrong. Just like everything I encounter in life, there are speed bumps. Road blocks that won't allow for a perfect experience to take place. Directly behind me was a douche bag. The skinny white guy with a hat that has the straight rim, long jean shorts, big bright white shoes, waves his hands a lot.... This guy had already watched the movie once. He decided to bring some of his friends this time. This is what I heard throughout the movie:

"Ohhh...wait this is a funny part....watch it, watch it"

"Oh, look...look...I remember this... awww man....."

"Dude look, it's Mike Tyson..........look."

"This is my favorite part coming up...watch....watch...." (4 or 5 times)

What did this guy think his friends were all doing... sitting there with book lights, brushing up on some calculus? "Oh, I'm supposed to watch the screen? Oh, okay okay. Got it, thanks man." I was going to write a letter to Dear Guy Who Was Two Seconds From His Forehead Meeting The Back Of Seat".... but it was a funny movie. Douche better thank Zack Galifianakis.

Dear Old Old Lady I Had The Pleasure Of Following This Morning For A Bit

Dear Old Old Lady I Had The Pleasure Of Following This Morning For A Bit,

Hi there. Nice morning isn't it? Listen...you were driving 12 miles an hour on a road where the speed limit was 40. Do you know how I know this? I was behind you...driving 12 miles an hour...speed limit....40. I'm pretty sure if a doctor had driven by us...he could have gotten out of his car, walked up to you and pronounced you legally dead. Most days I'm on auto-pilot on the way to work so a lot of stuff I'm able to let go, but this display of irritating proportions simply will not go unnoticed. So I am sending you this letter of disappointment. Please stay in your recliner. Order Meals On Wheels and you're golden. Glad I could help.

All the best in your few more years here on Earth,

Guy That Couldn't Let This One Go. Even On Auto-Pilot

It's A Filler Friday

Sometimes bloggers need filler. It's just the nature of the game when you've got jack to discuss. The good thing with me not having jack to discuss is the fact that I will go find a video to make you laugh. You laugh and I don't have to write something witty. That is the essence of the filler post. So I give you a old video from 2003. A little thing called - Terry Tate: Office Linebacker. Enjoy this and your Friday.

Channeling Bohdi

Last Friday I got a haircut.  No big deal, right?  Haircuts are pretty common.  Here's the thing : the last time I got one was August of 2008.  9 months.  The reason? No reason at all.  Just wanted to see how long I could go before it drove me absolutely insane.  I guess the answer was 9 months.  Here are the before and after pics of last Friday.  

I was pretty sure going one more day with it, I would be fighting Keanu for the biggest wave. 

"Yo, Johnny! I'll see you in the next life!"

      

See?  I was so happy to get it cut.  Can you tell?

If I Were In Charge

For some reason, I seem to be doing a lot of lists. Not sure why. Maybe it's the structure. Maybe it's everything is in line and has a place. I bet it's just that a list makes the post look longer and more substantial. I'll take that.

If I Were In Charge

1. Paris Hilton would be forced to work at McDonald's. For the rest of her life.

2. College Football would have a playoff. 32 teams. Make it take 3 months to complete. You really think these guys are getting degrees that mean anything? Really?

3. MTV (music television) would go back to...wait for it...music.

4. I would have veto power on the cancelling of all TV shows. Hello again Arrested Development.

5. 4 10-hour work days = 3 day weekends. Brilliant.

6. Movie disturbers will be put in jail....even the crying babies.

7. Pro athletes would be paid by performance only. No more signing bonuses simply because they can grab the back of their shirt and show us their last name. Clowns.

8. Goodbye Jonas Brothers.

9. I would bring back sitcoms and get rid of most reality. Wife Swap? The same situation every week? Really?

10. Make all women wear designer glasses. If you need them or not. (it's sexy hot and I'm in charge.)

11. End lives of all molesters and rapists. They're just taking up our space.

12. Make Reece's Pieces never ending and free for everyone.

13. To learn the F'N transition of the G chord to C chord already.

14. Give sport coats to all homeless guys. Class up the streets a bit.

15. Goodbye Paula Abdul.

16. Make a mandatory rule for everyone to lighten up. Political correctness is our downfall and I'm here to fix it. Join me.

17. You have to be at least 6 feet tall to buy a Hummer or anything bigger than an F-150. You're a little man. Accept it. Riding my ass on the street won't get you those 6 inches you need for validation.

18. If you are here in the USA and don't speak English, congrats : Welcome to summer school.

19. Making all of your wildest dreams come true.

20. Demand all my readers to ask two of their readers to follow me. I would for you...but you don't have a "If I Were In Charge" list like I do. Get to asking. It's an order.

I think that went well.