Friday Funny

Well... it seems like my place of business has blocked me from finding you your friday funny video. I will not be defeated though. I have found some random thoughts that are pretty funny. Separate Ways Literal Version funny? Probably not. Life is hard sometimes.

I bet most of you have read these at some point... I still laugh at most of them. Enjoy your weekend.

Randomness

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Ok, Nickelback. That’s enough.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

- Bad decisions make good stories

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far..

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey... but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner..

Just A Quick Hi And Coming Attractions

Just a quick hi.... Things are getting pretty busy here at headquarters. I will let you in on a few coming attractions in production for next week.

1. Possible official contract on a house. A real house, with a backyard, plumbing...and stuff. Scary.

2. A blind date that didn't end in a catastrophic state? Hmm... We'll see.

3. A contest to see who gets Aly's pervy dolls. Seriously, they need to get out of my house. I feel like I'll be serving 10-15 if authorities find them.


As you can read, some pretty good stuff coming your way. Okay, sort of good stuff. Umm, not that bad of stuff? Fine, just read it.

And to the girl this morning double parked as I had to go all the way around the complex to get to my car : You drive a 1998 Camry. I don't care if you did go to Wal-Mart to have the spinning hubcaps "installed".... you really disappointed me with your choice of parking. Please don't ever do it again or I might have to give you 25 bucks and buy the car from you.

Also, I have a new blog header. I like it. Even though I can't get blogger to center the f'n thing... I like it. Small victories, you know?

Okay, I'm out. Dang, it's already Friday Funny tomorrow. Might have another literal video. If you're good.

Always Mess With HTML With One Eye Open

I'm tired so as I was having some layout issues (stupid thing kept locking up on me) with my template, I thought it would be hilarious and mess with the HTML. As you can see... hilarity ensued and things got off track pretty quickly. I kind of lost everything I had in the sidebar, so trying to remember what was there from my memory... well, that's never good. You might see a new look everyday for the next 3 weeks. Or maybe I just get all of your addresses and I hand write my posts and mail them to you. Is that what they did in the olden days? Okay, because of that statement..... I'm going to bed. If you would like to help me with a template.... come say hi. Tomorrow.

Friday Funny

I have been waiting for this Friday Funny all week. I've watched it all week. I have peed my pants....all week. May the laughter (and pee) flow with all of you today. Have a great weekend everyone.

Hi. Nice to Meet You.... What Was Weird?

About a month and a half or so ago, I met this girl through a friend of a friend. A very random meeting at a party. Classic. We instantly hit it off. Chemistry was there, attraction was there... everything seemed to be there. This was on a Friday night. We went out the next night. We had dinner then went and had some drinks. We spent hours just talking and getting to know all the things that you usually do when you meet someone... but it seemed different. It seemed that what I was learning was important. We ended the night and hugged. It was nice.... like it supposed to be like that for now. We talked every night that next week. She was out of town that next weekend but we made plans for that next Friday night. She called that Tuesday before to see if I wanted to come over for dinner. She lives with a cousin and her daughter so I thought it might be fun to go and meet them because for some reason... I felt like I was suppose to. I went over and before we had dinner, I had to listen to care bear music. And I looked at her books. And had to draw things with chalk on the patio in the back and if I stopped, she would ask why. So I drew. After dinner, the cousin took her kid and left us alone. We watched a movie (just the two of us) and we just had a natural chemistry. So much that the hand holding and leaning on shoulders and just being close came so easy. Before I left, we had a great first kiss. Not too much, not too little. A good first one. Told her I would see her that Friday. I picked her up and we decided on dinner and a movie. It was all fun. Chemistry, attraction... still evident. Now here is where you might hear the sound of an screeching train come to an abrupt halt. I walk her to the door and we stand there for a good 3 minutes. I don't know if it was just me being dumb, the porch light beaming on us like were in an interrogation room... I don't know what it was but...I.... froze. Could not go in for a kiss. What the holy hell? I got so nervous, I could feel my heart racing and I just couldn't do it. Why? I already did it just 3 nights before? We then had a nervous hug and I left. As soon as I got in the car... "you dumbass". I sent her a message as I was driving home, basically trying to make fun of the situation and that I would be sure "fix it." I offered to cook her dinner and make up for it. She seemed very responsive it and even joked with me about it. That was a friday night. Didn't hear from her Saturday. Or Sunday. On Sunday night, I sent her a message joking about the porch incident again and asked if she was still available for dinner later that next week. No response. I then sent a message that next day, Monday afternoon asking if she got the message and joking asked if she changed her mind. She responds on Tuesday and says "What's with all the weird messages?" Maybe I missed something, but I don't remember any of them being weird? I responded to that with a basic "What was weird?" and that was the last I heard from her. Was the ever-lovin' craptastic freeze up THAT big of deal? Can that really make some one turn into a completely different person and bring things to a dead end stop? I'm not really upset about it, if you really think about it...it only lasted just a bit... but really? Because of THAT? Okay readers.... let's hear it.

This is why blind dates of any kind.... totally blind or you "meet" (later did I find out that it was an actual set up without me or the girl knowing it) at a party...... should be illegal. At least in one state.

Mock. Yeah!

Hope this helps that weekend get here a bit faster for everyone.

A Thank You And A Look Back

Thanks to everyone for their awesome comments yesterday. If you did as you were told and put your snowball on your side bar...just wanted to let you know that the sucker won't wash off. It will stain. Remember, it's a snowball with pee on it. Sorry about that. You're the best.

Thought I would also take a quick look back and link my favorite 8 posts or so of The Yellow Factor. Just in case anyone that might drop by who are new will get easy access* to some of the "highlights" here and when I say "highlights"...I mean lame attempts to be funny like Mr.C-Lana-Sally-Kristine-Aly -ish. i.e. - pathetic desperation. (sigh...)


1. Break Room Conversation

2. And What's Your Name?

3. What Was That Again?

4. Dear Old Lady I Have The Pleasure Of Following This Morning For A Bit

5. If I Were In Charge

6. All You Have To Do Is Listen

7. Next On Intervention

8. CatWoman Is Cold


* heh - easy access.

100th Post...And The Yellow Snowball

This is my 100th post. I started this blog 6 months ago on February 12th, 2009. It's crazy to go back and look at all the posts and reminisce on certain thoughts I had, things that had happened. I started this blog with maybe 2 readers that I knew personally and I have been lucky enough to get to know some pretty amazing writers and some awesome personalities in these short 6 months. I plan to keep writing this pretty lame (I think) shizz, and hopefully I will have kept all my wonderful blog friends.... bloiends, if you will.... with me when the next 100 comes around.

I think it's time to give out some awards. Just my token of appreciation for some kick ass blogs. I have chosen 10(*) blogs that during the past 6 months, I seemed to gravitate toward. Some because of writing, others out of fear of what might happen if I don't... whatev. If any of the 10(*) feel inclined to do a post and link it back... maybe even place the prestigious JPEG on your side bar... then I'm glad I picked you. If you don't, well then get bent. (Not really, but I will remember it forever.)

The Yellow Factor would like to give out it's first issue of....

The Yellow Snowball

(in no particular order)

Kristine/Wait In The Van - My first stranger (danger!) follower. I actually owe a lot to Kristine. What first attracted me to her blog was the fact that she kinda has a Lisa Loeb thing going on.. and I will admit that at one time I kinda had a Lisa Loeb crushy thing... but then her writing and amazing sense of sarcasm hooked me for good. She brought with her my first wave of followers and she curses with the very best of them. Total package? Time will tell.


Alyson/Calling People Names and Sally/You. Me. No Adult Supervision - Their blogs are the friends you want with you if you're in a fight. Sometimes they write things that are so eloquent and soft-spoken... then they have posts that will knock you on. your. ass. They are my back up. If anyone has a problem with me, I'm set.


Girl Interrupted - Her blog is a lesson in why writing should be fun and effortless. If you spend any time reading her, you know just how wonderful it flows. Kind of just makes you smile.


Mr.C/Mr. Condescending - His blog is sophisticatingishly funny. If that's not a word, it should be.


Rita/Graceful Considerations - Her blog is my positive outlet. When I need a word or phrase to pick my up... I go to Rita.


Becky/Steam Me Up Kid - Her blog is just better than mine. Period. It's so good, she probably won't even stop by and see that she is being honored. Congratulations Steamy. You win at life.


Politics Of Love - Her blog is like the hang out you want to be seen at and the drink you want in your hand.


Lana/Mother Hides The Pearls - Like others, her blog screams honesty with perfectly placed F Bombs...even though I have yet to make it to her blogroll. Whatever Lana, it's cool. I'm a giver.


Kim/Yellow Trash Diaries - Her blog makes you think "Did she just say that?" It's where genius lives.


Mjenks/A Crown Of Thistles - His blog is where I go to learn. All sorts of things. Kind of like a life-coach, perhaps.



I have many other blogs that I could have easily, EASILY.... put up there as well, but haven't gotten the chance to really dive into and see what you are all about. I will. Too much amazing writing out there.


There you have it friends. 100th post complete with awards. If you thought you should have been on the list....then try a little harder for the next awards post. Maybe even offer a hug once in a while. I can't be the only one in the relationship giving their all. 50/50 people. WWJD?


(*) - yes I am aware that there were 11 winners. Aly and Sally counted as one. Because they are my muscle in fights, they are a team. My team. Deal with it.

First Offer In.. And Out

So I put my first offer on a house in this past weekend. Very reasonable offer. I came down a bit on the asking price but offered to pay all the closing costs (I'm nice like that). This seller, who had his asking price and $500.00 offer in repairs... countered by taking off $400.00 of his asking price and now said $0.00 in repairs. After I murdered him in my head, I rejected his counter and said good day. Back to the start with a frustration level at 11. How can it be an 11 you ask? Well, if you remember, I did already murder him in my head, right? Okay then, 11 it is.

But....

Tomorrow is a better day. Just how better you ask? Blog 6 months old 100th post Awards Day better. Get excited.

Yes, That Is Real. Plus, An Announcement!

Yesterday afternoon. It's funny for two reasons. 1. It's a PT Cruiser. B. Although diabetes isn't funny, placing a sticker with the plain statement that you are inflicted with it.. is funny. I'm going to get one and put it on my car. I Have Acid Reflux.

Also, this Wednesday is a big day for The Yellow Factor. Not only will it be 6 months since this blog started, it will also be the 100th post. I know that I may be the only one excited about it... but I will be giving out awards. Just awards for particular blogs, sharing why I think they are badass. Well not really awards like trophies or anything, I don't care THAT much... but to the winners I will be offering a very prestigious JPEG (ooooohhh ahhhhhh!!!!) that you will want to keep... for your children's children.

So come back the day after tomorrow. You might be a winner. If not, well maybe you could have been if you tried (hugged) a little harder.....

Friday Funny

Here you go. Hope everyone has a great weekend. I personally will be on a mission of looking at houses I can't afford. I'm living the dream.

Break Room Conversation

Scene : I am in the break room, fixing a bowl of oatmeal. I'm stirring as a fellow co-worker walks in. He looks at my breakfast....

Co-worker - "You making oatmeal?"

Me - (staring at him)"........no?"

Co-worker - "Have you tried the banana baby food? It is gooood."

Me - "You don't have a baby..."

Co-worker - "So? You don't need to have a baby to eat the food."

Me - (silence)

Co-worker - "So, what are you really making?"

Me - "...oatmeal"

Co-worker - "I knew it!"

..............

It's gonna be a good day.

Something Extra

I forgot to mention in my previous post titled Update :

Yesterday as I was leaving work, I gathered up all my belongings... putting my macbook in my bag... grabbing my phone and wallet.... I then tried to turn off my work monitor by pointing my car alarm at it and pushing unlock.

The monitor just stared at me. I think it also called me a dumbass.

(sigh)

Update

What has been going on around here..... still house hunting. I think I would rather run a marathon... in the sand... with McRussian in my ear. It's so stressful and just when you think you found the place, you don't. Because dick owner has no intention of paying for issues that a home inspection might find. So it's back to searching I guess. This process has me consumed at work as well.... which I don't totally mind all that much... but still. Nothing should consume you... especially realtors, earnest money or 3.5% down f'n payment. It has also taken a toll on the progress of my little world here. Speaking of the blog... still haven't settled on a nickname. Everyone deserves big shiny medals for all their suggestions... but I was told that when I hear it or read the perfect one, I will know. So the contest will be ongoing and for those that are playing... if something ever just comes to you and it should because I'm that important to you... send it my way. Doesn't even have to be a comment to that particular post about the contest. I could be posting about how much I hate Celine Dion and Cheetos and you could post there and say, "dude, Joe Kickass." and that will be perfectly legit and awesome. I'm just tired and would love to get some sleep one of these days and not have to think of home inspections or building equity is good for you or what about the neighbors?

I have had relationships this weekend become stronger with trust and some that I have been thinking about and hoping they know how much I care and are there for them as much as I can be. I've also developed some new relationships complete with some awesome Q&A time.

I've had a few rounds with some restaurants and the gas station man (yeah I will actually pay my $1.09 water with my debit card, thanks....Ronald.) I've decided that I'm going to try and not complain as much. I need all the good karma I can get in dealing with this house hunt.

I may just need a nap at some point.