Friday Funny

In keeping with what's going on in my life, this Friday Funny ties in with what I have going on today and that is closing on a house. This is one of my favorite movies growing up but after today, I'm sure it takes on a new meaning. God help me. Great weekends, everyone.

Expectation

House closing tomorrow with the previous owners present. Is that normal? Ok, expectations:

I don't want to feel the need to put on a fake show.

I don't want a lot of nervous laughter, having to answer the question "Did you ever think you would get here?!?" 25 times. Or have to say "I know, I know" to the statement "I can't believe we are selling the house! We grew up here!"

I don't want any surprises to pop up on the last day. Tomorrow is not the day to say, "Do you mind if we wait one week? I'm missing the house already." No we may not.

If I take a minute from signing my name and take some deep breaths, I don't want you to ask if I'm okay, I want you to shut your mouth.

I don't want feel the need to listen to the history of the house and what it meant to the previous owners...I will probably change everything.

I don't want to be called buddy, sport, sport-o, tiger, bro, kiddo, champ, boss, boss man, big man, slick, jack, killer, mister.... etc.

I'm giving you money. You give me the house. Even Steven.

Wish me luck.

Unnecessary Conversation

One thing that annoys me is unnecessary conversation.

The person that when it happens to be the first cold day of the year, they are "fake shivering".

"Can you believe this weather? It's craaazy!"
You are still in short sleeves, nodding your head.
"I can't believe you don't have on layers, it's freezing!!"
"Dude, it's 70 degrees."
"Yeah, but I'm shaking! I bet winter will be really bad this year....see how I'm shaking?"

Or...

The guy at dinner that orders the such and such platter, then just can't believe how big the meal is.

"Oh my, I can't believe how much food is here, I will be eating this for daaaays!! Ha ha haaa!!"
"But you get this everytime we come here?"
"Well, I always forget just how much is on the plate!!!"
"Platter."
"Same thing."
"No it's not."

Or...

The super annoying "Trouble" conversation that I had to sit and listen to and not participate in. If I did have a need to participate, I would have needed a hammer.

"What are you up to?"
"Some trouble if I can find it...ha ha ha haaaa!"
"Oh, you are so bad!!!"
"Who me? Never!!!! HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!"


See, I'm in a great mood today. Anyone want to talk to me?

I'm Famous!

Here it is :


First Guest Post.


Go there and leave some comments.... be nice and don't touch anything. We are guests at Lana's.

Signing My Life Away, Lana And Fair Festivities

Couple of things :

1. I close on my house this Friday. Yikes. It's been one journey I hope to only do maybe two more times, preferrably only once. It's just crazy. The searching, the problems, the crappy sellers, the waiting...etc. Anyway, after I close and get settled...do a few home improvement projects ( I sound really old and lame, huh?)... I will post some pictures of the place. Maybe.

2. I'm going to be doing a guest spot on a very funny blog tomorrow. Lana at mother hides the pearls allowed me to grace her home with some of my dumb words and average wit. I'll remind everyone about it tomorrow, but since you are reading me today, I thought I would share the news and let my loyal daily readers be the first to know. You all are great, so amazing, egos stroked and all that stuff blagghhh.... Okay, tomorrow. Guest spot. Go.

3. My state fair is in town and I plan on going this week. And I plan on taking pictures. I also plan on posting these pictures on here. For you. I can't wait for what's in store for you. It will be like Christmas. A really dirty Christmas.

Friday Funny

Have a good weekend... Oh, next week I will be doing a guest post. My first one. I just don't want to finish in 30 seconds, you know what I'm saying? Stay tuned....

The Time I Almost Lost It. Literally.

It's sad to say but this is a true story...

It's a story that everyone can relate to. Not that what I'm about to say has happened to you, but you can identify with it. This story happened about 3 years ago, but I am always fearfully reminded of its power every few days. It will forever be known as The Time I Almost Lost It. Literally. I had just left work and needed to see about a cheap dining table at Target. Just a small 2 seat table for my small apartment. There was just one Target that had it in stock and this place was on the opposite side of the city from where I lived but I needed to get it. So after work (work is in between this particular Target and my home) I started the journey.

One detail that will probably cause you to think "Oh...Oh no...", my stomach wasn't quite right since lunch that day.

Okay, so I'm driving to Target. It's pretty cloudy outside and looks like a storm was heading my way. I wanted to hurry up and get the table and get home. I'm walking around in Target (rumble, rumble...), "stupid stomach", I tell myself. I find the table and struggle a bit to get in in the cart. It's small but it's dang heavy being all in a box. I start to push the cart off (rumble, rumble...). I thought if I walked around it would calm the stomach. I got by the register and (rumble, blech, blurrrrgh, agghhrrr. rumble..). Oh, no. The lady checks me out and I see that there are restrooms right in front of me. Right. In. Front. In my guy genius wisdom, my thought process was this : Just get this thing to the car and once inside, and sitting, I will be fine. I get outside and it's pouring down rain. I get to my car (rumble, rumble), get the box in the trunk and get inside. "Okay, okay...I'm good now, I'm good. Time out stomach, I'm IN the car."

Now I still have a 30 minute drive home. I get about 5 minutes in and I get the fothermucker of all rumbles. It's the the one that is warning you of the Armageddon that is about to happen. The kind that makes you turn the radio off. The kind that makes you clinch so tight, you are sure to rip a hole out of the seat. The kind that can make you start sweating in 3.2 seconds.

Okay, halfway there and I hit rush hour traffic. In this standstill, I am tormented by continuous bouts of "Target Bathroom Regret", but I am a soldier. I can do this. I can. I am in a middle of a battle when the car behind me decides to slam into me. I'm in my car trying not to deliver a brown baby boy and I get in a wreck. In a traffic jam. In the pouring rain. As soon as I gain enough composure, I get out of my car and looked at the damage. The other guy gets out and was apologizing and I see that it was just a small scratch. I begin to have another contraction, so I told him "Don't worry about it" and shook his hand. He stood there with his mouth open for about 10 seconds. I was back in my car in about 2 seconds to continue my breathing exercises.

I'm about a minute from home and sweat was pouring from my forehead...clinched like you would not believe. I pull into the parking space and realized that I had a flight of stairs to climb. Ever walked up stairs in this condition? Kind of like the "Straight Legged Waddle", right? The next thing I remember is opening the door and feeling like I was flying to the bathroom, taking off clothes in flight. What happened next was that brown baby declaring victory just as my white ass was hitting porcelain.

It was one of the few times in my life that I can declare... that I made it. And I hope we can all still be friends.

I Just Needed Some Spaghetti Sauce

In 5 total minutes..... Only at Wal-mart can you walk behind a guy in an episode of tourette's, see a mom clearly at the end of her rope going to town on her kid, a dad on the ground throwing his kids shoes across the aisle as a joke and seeing a mom and her adult daughter walk in... with me coming to the conclusion that I would sex up the mom 25 times before I even glance at the daughter.

Also.... the token lady with the belly fat that comes out from under the shirt....in stretchy pants....sitting on the floor..... barefoot.

Goodnight.

The Winner of American Idol Is.......

Well I have picked the winner. I had some really funny answers to certain questions but there was just something about the performance of one certain blogger that made it impossible to overlook. I'm not sure if it was the witty answers, the pictures or the use of video... but that is commitment, people. I think these dolls are in for some fun. So with that I give you the winner and her winning answers.

Blonde Goddess!!!!!!

1. Favorite cartoon growing up and why.

I always loved Bugs Bunny. It was a family tradition for me, my brother and my grandfather to sit together and watch it. My grandfather would laugh hysterically and honestly, I'd laugh at his laughing more often than at the cartoon.
I thought that Yosemite Sam was the shit. He was the roughest, toughest, he-man stuffest hombré that's ever crossed the Rio Grande.

In fact, I was so impressed with him that I married him.


"Note that the hair is a different color but the general appearance is the same."

Of course I was also attracted to the same type of behavior. This clip of Yosemite Sam could be a dead ringer for my own Mr.Man...

Heh heh heh...he has mellowed over the years...

2. If you had any last words on your tombstone, what would it say?

Here I lie, deader than hell. Good thing they buried me before I started to smell.

3. Explain why you put your underwear on first?

There was a time in my life when I didn't wear underwear. I didn't have to worry about whether to put my underwear on first or not. But then I turned 25 and finally learned how to use the potty. When I got rid of the diapers, I bought lots and lots of beautiful underwear. It was so beautiful in fact that I wanted to show it off to the entire world. So I did. Except the police didn't like it and they told me I had to wear clothes over my beautiful underwear or I'd have to go to jail. Well..since I had never fully recovered from living in a cage when I was part of the freak show for the travelling circus, I decided to wear clothes over my underwear.


4. If you could give a ticket for a social crime (not washing hands while in bathroom, tailgating someone in traffic), what would it be and why?

I would definitely bust people for never laughing. I mean, that is not normal and they should be tickled until they piss themselves. I know that YOU KNOW exactly what kind of person I'm talking about.
I won't name names or anything but some of these straight laced people are influential.That could be dangerous. You might get entire countries acting like a bunch of unhappy gits.


"This IS my smiley face.Now get me some tea."

5. What's the one non-sexual item that always makes you think about sex and why.

Cucumbers...



I believe this picture explains the answer better than anything I could say...

6. Miley Cyrus. Go.

Miley Cyrus isn't a bad kid. Really she isn't. She's just the product of the reunion of a love sick couple that overcame their achy breaky hearts.
When her parents were dating in high school, her mother broke things off with her dad. She began dating a guy with a normal haircut who's goals in life included more than Billy Ray's. After all, it's not every day that a man decides he's going to make noises resembling two dogs getting stuck together while they're fucking and turn it into country music gold.
Billy Ray just couldn't allow the romance to die though.
He chased poor old Cindy Lou, even while sowing the seeds of love among the other little gals in town.(Miley has a brother who's the same age as her who's mama is a different woman than her own mama...)
Cindy Lou just couldn't take it.
She sicked her dog on him and asked her brother Cliff to get him to leave her alone.
So her dog bit Billy Ray and her brother punched him...(one should question WHERE the dog bit him or good ole Cliff punched him).
Still it didn't deter him. He climbed up the trash pile next to Cindy Lou's window one night and sang her a song of love from his heart...his achy breaky heart. She was so overcome with love that she said if he'd cut off that stupid looking mullet she'd take him back. They bought a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken and a six pack of beer and got married the next day...(on account that Cindy Lou was in the family way.)

What chance did poor little Miley have?


"Yeesssirreee! I figured that if'n my daddy could sing and earn him some money, then I could too. So I done went and done it!"


7. If you could choose your power couple name (Brangelina, Bennifer), what would it be and why?

A power couple name huh? It would have to be Dammie! Dammie would not only represent the essence of both Mr.Man and myself, it is a statement!


"Frankly my dear, I don't give a Dammie!"

People all over the world could do great things like running drunk and naked through the streets, farting on people in convenience stores and basically doing dumb and silly things, stating that they did it because they didn't give a Dammie!

8. What's the greatest "As Seen On TV" product ever made and why?

The SHAMWOW! Not only does that motherfucker hold a kiddie pool of water, we were introduced to the Shamwow dude, Vince. Do you have any idea of the entertainment that has brought into people's lives? I myself have enjoyed countless hours of entertainment. While cleaning up spills, I make one eye squinty while saying in a Boston accent, "You following me camera guy?".
You have no idea how much more fun it is to do my dirty work now.

9. What is worse? Accidentally peeing on yourself or being on the business end of a dutch oven? (If you don't know what a dutch oven is, find out. Very crucial points here.)

First of all, a dutch oven is a thing of beauty. It requires careful planning and preparation. One wrong move and you allow for a small air hole and then the whole thing is screwed. I have been on the giving and receiving end of a dutch oven. Quite frankly I don't think it's a bad thing. Occasionally, a dutch oven has given me a craving for an egg salad sandwich...so I'm ok with that.
Now the peeing on myself thing....well...I've experienced that too.
I do those stupid fucking Kegels all the damn time and still I manage to pee a little when I sneeze. It's just not right. I can flatten a tennis ball with my hoochie coo but I can't hold my urine during a sneezing fit?
That's just messed up.
I have to go with the peeing on myself. It sucks!

10. How do you feel about creepy pervy dolls? (You have no idea just. how. creepy.)

I have DREAMED about the day I might own my creepy pervy dolls! I could do so many wonderful things with them! I could illustrate different "things" that need illustrating with anatomically correct dolls for my blog! I could take them to the grocery store with me on Elderly Hell day! I could take a picture of them doing things I'd like to do to Mr.Man and send it to him on his cell phone.
It would give me the GREATEST PLEASURE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE to own the pervy dolls!!!
The possibilities are endless!
I could greet the Jehovah's Witnesses at the door with them!
Wake the kids for school!
Use them to make rude gestures to stupid drivers when I'm in the car!

Here are some other great answers from some great people :

Sally-Sal and Erin

If you could give a ticket for a social crime (not washing hands while in bathroom, tailgating someone in traffic), what would it be and why?

Sally - Camel toe in public. I saw this chick one time with a toe so advanced, she could've bent her knees and picked up a kleenex.

Erin - Right now Max is pinching my arm fat and telling me that I have to give her candy or she'll keep doing "whatever I don't want her to do". Can someone hold her for questioning for awhile? Just while I do this and then send out a few invoices?

Lana

If you could choose your power couple name (Brangelina, Bennifer), what would it be and why? I'm confused. Am I supposed to combine mine and B's name? Or pick a real celebrity couple name? Or invent one based on real celebrities? This is too much work. Can I just use my real name? I think it's pretty powerful in its own right. Spelled backwards it's anal. If that isn't an attention grabber then I don't know what is.

Aly (the original pervy doll owner)

What's the one one-sexual item that always makes you think about sex and why? One? One? Who the hell are you talking to? If it's even remotely shaped like a penis, it makes me think of sex. Hell...even if it isn't. Balloons....Ranch dressing...trees. TREES! WOOD! BIG WOOD TREES! ......I haven't gotten any in awhile.

.............

There you go..... Congratulations BG. Email me your address now. Yes, I need it. The rule is that you must create a contest on your blog and give these dolls away as well. Before you send them out, you must take at least one picture with them and post it. I am thinking you will be posting a bunch of them.... I'm terrified.

Contest Update : Almost

Screw it... I've picked a winner. I will reveal and show their answers among other great answers from other entries later tonight. Let me just say that the winner... deserves the hades out of these unchristian things.

I guess I can get them out of the trunk of my car now.

Creative Randomness

In total randomness, I have found a nickname. Well, I didn't find it myself. A kick-ass blog friend used it in a response to me from one of her posts. The best part is that she has no idea. I was commenting on THIS post (become her friend. really.) and she called me j-face. I don't have a clue to what i means but for some reason, I instantly liked it. While JRod is an easy solution with my name being Jerrod, it's something I've been called for a very long time. I never really liked it. Mainly because the use of Rod is/was funny for a lot of people....not that there is anything funny or misleading there.......that's right, ladies........ummm, just sorta sick of it. So, while this blog is essentially an extension of me (ha, Rod), it's nice to have a different label... like the new kid in a new school. Will he be automatically made fun of with JRod or thought of as a bad-ass with a killer smile with j-face? Tune in.....

So thanks Miss Chief. Your creative randomness put a j-face to this blog.

Also, Some already have nicknames for me that you use on a daily basis. I like them too. Carry on. Except for dickhead. That's just mean.

Friday Funny

So this may be a Friday/Saturday Funny for some of you. My apologies. Work has pretty much secured a chastity belt on my Internet so I'm only allowed to talk to it on the phone. No more touchy touchy. Side note: If you haven't already, take some time Friday or this weekend to remember the lives that were lost 8 years ago. Perspective, people.

This kid.... awesome. Have a great weekend.

Doll Contest Update.... Where's Everyone At?

Still waiting for your answers for the Pervy Doll contest. Yeah, I'm looking at you Erin, Lana, Kristine, Kim, Steamy.....etc. These questions were specially designed for your brains. Don't let me and the world down.

Pervy Doll Contest.

One more week.....

Blind Date Success Story?

Well, I tried. That's the last thing I said to her and I really did try. I received the worst news a guy could get but I'll save that for the end of the story. I suppose you want the details. Fine. All the facts are the same... we were set up and we met. Typical. First meeting was good. I wasn't nervous which was very surprising. We met on a patio of a small pizza place; very hip and trendy. We split a pizza and had some beer. The funny part was that since we were outside, the flies were out to destroy us. Not just one or two annoying flies... I'm talking dozens of them. It finally got to the point where we just started laughing. Had to right? The first date was not gonna be ruined by insects. Not on my watch. So... good conversation throughout dinner and we carried it on by going to a bar down the road for some more drinks. Good sign, right? We sat on the patio there as well and after 30 minutes or so, it starts to rain a bit. No problem, we just get a table inside and finish our conversation and drinks. It starts to pour outside. Like sideways rain. She needed to get home so using her fun personality, decides that we could make a run for it to our cars. We said our goodbyes and that we would talk the next day...had a nice hug...and made a run for it. Both of us were laughing the entire way. I got in my car and after 5 seconds in the rain, I was completely soaked. Good first date, right? That was on a Wednesday. She had a full weekend so we planned a date for that next Friday, which was this past one. Between the time of the first date and last Friday, we did the usual phone conversations everyday. Good sign, right? She wanted to go bowling (awesome), so last Friday we had dinner then went bowling. It was a lot of fun. She talked a lot of smack about beating me (4 games, she never did). We laughed a lot. After bowling we left and she had to be up at 7 the next morning so she suggested a movie on Tuesday. I said that would be wonderful and we called it a night. This past weekend, the phone conversations became less and less. I sent her a message Monday to see if she wanted to go to the movie and didn't get a response. I got on yesterday with her apologizing for not responding BUT..... she didn't think we were right for each other and that she. wants. to. still. be. friends. Friends. Fantastic. I thanked her for being up front with me and she thanked me for taking the time to get to know her and I told her that I tried. And, scene.....

So... I'm done with it. No more blind dates for me. Can't do it. It's pointless. So far I've had The IBS Girl, The 24 Year Old Girl That Got Grounded, Mute Girl, Girl On The Porch and now... Bowling For Friendship Girl. I hope my friends don't freak out because this means one of them might get stuck with me. I'm done. Clearly.

Friday Funny

Ahhhhh..... video.

First Contest : Pervy Dolls

It's time for a contest. Not just any contest, but the pervy doll contest. That's right, yours truly won a contest awhile back from Aly at Calling People Names. All I had to do was answer some questions and I received these two....dolls...made from pantyhose....complete with bottom parts. There was one rule though : I have to conduct my own contest and send these beyond creepy things to some other poor soul. That is what I intend to do. Sorry to whoever wins. Trust me.

Here is how it will go : I have 10 questions for you to answer. Funniest, most creative answers wins the contest. Sounds difficult...but I still laugh when someone falls on their ass. Should be a piece of cake. Also, I will be using a point system. Yes, a point system. Each question is worth 10 points. The highest point total...wins. So...let's say a blog crush of mine thinks she can just enter some answers, half-assing 4 of them.... not very wise. I will still crush on you... but you will be without the pervy company of creepy dolls. Choice is yours. (And Aly, even though you can't win, I still want you to answer these.)

Here are the questions. Buckle your seat belts :

1. Favorite cartoon growing up and why.

2. If you had any last words on your tombstone, what would it say?

3. Explain why you put your underwear on first?

4. If you could give a ticket for a social crime (not washing hands while in bathroom, tailgating someone in traffic), what would it be and why?

5. What's the one non-sexual item that always makes you think about sex and why.

6. Miley Cyrus. Go.

7. If you could choose your power couple name (Brangelina, Bennifer), what would it be and why?

8. What's the greatest "As Seen On TV" product ever made and why?

9. What is worse? Accidentally peeing on yourself or being on the business end of a dutch oven? (If you don't know what a dutch oven is, find out. Very crucial points here.)

10. How do you feel about creepy pervy dolls? (You have no idea just. how. creepy.)


There you have it. 10 questions for your creative minds. Again, the one with the highest score, judged by me... will win. After this contest is over and the prize is sent, the winner will need to conduct their own contest and send the dolls to their winner.... blah blah blah. You also need to take a picture of the dolls when you do your contest as I did below. I couldn't justify showing the naughty parts on the blog... so I replaced them. Wieners and camels. You get the idea.

Email me your answers to jerrod@theyellowfactor.com