It's Almost 2010. Where Are The Hoverboards Michael J?

I thought of 10 resolutions that I will post.  I'm sure there are more but some are lame and some are just for me.

Ten Resolutions that I will try to remember getting to in November of 2010.

1. Punch the faces of friends who think they found the perfect girl for me.  Track record : They haven't.

2. 5k in April  (Rowing, two soccer teams and a workout room in the new house should help with that.)

3. Keep with the guitar.  It will pay off.  I just know it.

4. Finish house projects.  (Yeah, I'm looking at you Bathroom...  Landscaping.)

5.  Read a book.  Just one.  Last year I put down to read two.  I got through half of one and stopped in June.  No reason.  So yeah, just one.

6. Blog more... and by more I mean some which is more than now which is rarely.  Nice.

7. Help kickstart Studio Thirty + with Jules.

8. Contemplate my first vlog. (It won't happen but contemplating something is like exercise for the brain.  You know, a mental sweat.  It really won't happen guys.)

9. Work on road rage and by working I mean get out of my way.

10. Stop going to Walmart

Happy and safe New Year to everyone!

Check-In

Hey guys.  How was everyone's Christmakwanzakah's?  I still don't have really anything to write about.  I am in the middle of my resolutions post that will probably go up in the next few days.  Wanted to do a 'end of the year, best of yellow factor' post thing... but i'm tired and bored.  Kind of depressed.  I don't know. Are the days getting shorter to anyone?  Just me?  Great.  Winter does this to me I think.  But I love winter. 

Winter is a sexy whore sometimes.

Just want to check in, type some words out... make sure you are still out there.  I'm trying to get to you... I promise-ish.

Christmas Song

Everyone have a safe and merry Christmas.

And now.... one of the best Christmas songs of all the land.

Randomnicity

I found this list.  Not sure if I ever posted it here... but I'm gonna.  If you haven't read these, enjoy.  If you have, read them again.  I'm just that important.

Randomnicity

1. I have road rage. (slightly)


2. I could eat spaghetti 7 days a week. 

3. I will see Coldplay every single time they come here. And will see them in a stadium at some point. 


4. I cried in 1984 when I found out at Target that Olivia-Newton-John was getting married.

5. I understand the brilliance of The Office. Most don't. 

6. I have to blow through my straw before I use it. To get rid of all the crap inside of it of course. 

7. I wish I would have stayed in Nebraska at college playing soccer.

8. I owned a replica Michael Jackson 'Beat It' jacket. Yes, the red one. With the zippers. 

9. I will never like mushrooms. Eeeever. 

10. I cried when my brothers told me pro wrestling was fake. Criiiied. 

11. I suffer from J Halpert Syndrome where you look at imaginary cameras when things are odd at the office. 

12. I get emotional at Extreme Home Makeover. And Biggest Loser. And Rudy. Remember The Titans. Xanandu... (see#4)

13. I have been told I relate to the characters of John Cusack a lot. 

14. I freaked out on the ferris wheel at the Texas State Fair on OU/TX weekend.

15. I got a perm in the 7th grade because I wanted to be Kirk Cameron. 

16. I can recite the movie Better Off Dead. "I'm sorry your mom blew up, Ricky." 

17. I like long sleeves.

18. I will pass on a fast food place if there aren't any customers there. 

19. I was forced to watch 'Stomp The Yard' at a friends house at 4 in the morning one New Years day because I couldn't sleep on account of another friend... getting plowed in the other room. STOMP. THE. YARD. 

20. I've had facial hair since 2001. goatees, beards..never mustaches. Not cool enough to pull it off I guess. 

21. I hate stuck up people. There's no room for them. 

22. I need to have the fan on every night. Even when it's below freezing outside. I can't sleep if it's not on. 

23. My perfect vacation would be to road trip across the country. Filming and writing it as I go. 

24. I will always love Olivia-Newton-John. 

25. I write to keep from punching things.

Huh. What?

Allie at Hyperbole And A Half (who has no idea who I am or how powerful I'm about to become) had a great idea today.  Look your name up at urbandictionary.com and see what result you get.  I did just that.  There wasn't going to be a post about it.  I was just curious what Jerrod would translate to out on the streets. And as you can imagine with what I found... I had to post it.

1.

jerrod

The act of masturbating to porn while at your friends house. Usually performed with Kauffman's.

Kegan got really horny and went to Chris' house to pull a jerrod, but only got pimp slapped by Chris for trying to perform such an act.

FML.

New Rule...

New Rule : Chris Daughtry is allowed to remake any song he wants.

Questions : Part Three

Dear The Yellow Factor,

What was your most embarrassing moment ever, involving one or more of the following : excrement, ejaculate or ejaculate. *crosses fingers and hops up and down hoping for ejaculate.

I can't wait,

Steamy

Dear Steamy,

Of course this is the one I've had the worst time answering. Not necessarily about the subject, but the lack of embarrassment with the subject. You see I'm a stealth ninja when it comes to this stuff. I cover all my embarrassment bases. You know, mandatory pre-showers, clean sheets... locked doors... you get it. But one thing I will say is this : She likes to know when the first pitch is on the way... you know to get the mitt ready... even when you may not even know you are throwing yet. Kind of a big deal. But then again I like sneak attacks... I'm a ninja after all.

Love,

The Yellow Factor

Dear The Yellow Factor,

If you had to choose one of the these two, which would it be : Drink a beer with your butt or stuff a vodka soaked tampon in your man-hole?

I'm actually very sweet,

Sally

Dear Sally,

Well... one thing I can't handle or wrap my head around is the whole period-blood-monthly issue thing. So that allows me to cancel out anything that deals with devices that are used to keep blood from flowing. Tampons weird. me. out. Both options creep my out because I have one rule when it comes to the butt. It has one job. That's it. There is no multi-tasking with buttholes. So now I have to break it down by the action of each task. Drink a beer in the butt or stuff a tampon down the hole. Drink. Stuff. I'm going with drink...then months of counseling that I'm not quite sure I'm ready to face just yet. Thanks a lot Sally.

You still rock,

The Yellow Factor

Dear The Yellow Factor,

The best making out session you ever had? Details would be appreciated too...

Hi!!

PT

Dear PT,

Just one comes to mind. The one where you don't remember what was going on before it started. You just become one. Everything is in sync. When you are finished and you feel like you just began. You remember like it was yesterday. I still remember hand placement. How her lips tasted. What she smelled like. I remember the urgency. Probably always will...

Still remembering,

The Yellow Factor

Dear The Yellow Factor,

You fave sex position? Also, would you come to South Africa?

Maryx

Dear Maryx,

Yes, I would love to come to South Africa.

In a recliner in front of the TV with a nice towel. Not a cheap one mind you, but one of those BIG plush numbers...that's so big... I can finish then curl up with it into a ball and cry myself to sleep. Hey, I'm a romantic. Wait... what?

....(crickets)..... ,

The Yellow Factor

Thanks everyone for who participated...

Questions : Part Two

Dear The Yellow Factor,

fine, i won't ask you what superhero you'd be. because i don't care. also, you have to answer the question above mine because i really wanna know.

Begrudgingly,

GingerMandy

Dear GingerMandy,

That wasn't a question. But I will try and figure it out... umm... Batman. But I would lose the lame overdone Christian Bale "Whereah is sheeeeeeh!!!" voice. I'm thinking Batman with a Cousin Eddie voice. "This here's the batmobile! But don't go falling in love with it Alfred, I'll be taking it with me...." You know, classy.

Get some rest,

The Yellow Factor

..............................

Dear The Yellow Factor,

If you could go ANYWHERE in the World (money excluded) for 24 hours, where would you go and what would you do?

Love,

LoveAndBooze

Dear LoveAndBooze,

Besides next door to permanently shut up some yapping dogs... And I assume we are talking about real time and not the past or future... I would love to go to the World Cup. Spend the whole month in whatever country that's hosting and just have fun. But to keep all bases covered : The past would to back to when Paris Hilton's mom was pregnant with her and push her down some stairs. And the future? Well it's just so bright....

Yeah I would push her,

The Yellow Factor

..............................

Dear The Yellow Factor,

So my questions are what kind of music are you into? And also as im a girl really into designing what would be your dream girl?

Hurry!

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

I don't discriminate when it comes to music. Well, unless your name is Miley and or Cyrus. My range goes from Coldplay to Van Halen to T.I. to Flaming Lips to Kelly Clarkson. Yes Kelly. As far as dream girl.... I'm trying to think of characteristics that aren't so cliche. Someone who is comfortable in pj bottoms. Knows the value of holding hands. Can laugh at herself. Has goals and strives to reach them. Will ask for help when she needs it. Smiles. Most importantly...knows just how bad ass beautiful she is.

Best,

The Yellow Factor

..............................

Dear The Yellow Factor,

Who would win in a fight between you and me? Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler? Hilary Clinton and Michelle Obama? Also, what is your ideal life?

Take that,

Alyson

Dear Alyson,

You vs Me : You would win. You are better at toeing the line and stepping over it. That's always funnier.

Adam vs Jim : Adam Sandler. Jim Carrey relies on physical comedy when it's not working. Adam is too witty to have to rely on something else.

Hilary vs Michelle : Neither. Hilary is the poster child for Oh My Lord Boredom and can kill that way. And Michelle...she scares me. I think it's the overbite. Which can be deadly. It's a draw.

That I made conscience decisions and lead a life with what I felt, not with what I could get.

Your move,

The Yellow Factor

..............................

Dear The Yellow Factor,

Choose (as in decide which one is better) and elaborate. Marriage vs just shacking up.

Also, if you found a potato chip whose grains resembled the image of the Virgin Mary, would you sell it on Ebay or charge people to come see it?

Thank You,

Tee

Dear Tee,

I think my view on marriage vs shacking up is different than most. I think shacking up is like paying rent. You aren't building any equity and if by chance you are evicted, you have nothing to show for it.

It I found the chip around noon.... chances are I would eat it. And it would be heavenly.

Yours Truly,

The Yellow Factor

More questions next time....

Questions : Part One

Dear The Yellow Factor,

Should I put artichokes in our spinach salad tonight? And also... Should I make balsamic or raspberry vinegarette to go with these aforementioned salads?

Lovingly,

Erin

Dear Erin,

One - artichokes are of Satan. So no, don't put those bastard things in your salad. B - Balsamic makes me think of blasphemy...so unless you like things reeeally warm... I'd stick with the raspberry. Glad I could help.

Yours,

The Yellow Factor

Dear The Yellow Factor,

If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be and why? Also, would you buy it any cute collars, sweaters, booties, etc?

Thanks,

Crystal

Dear Crystal,

Definately a lion. Think about it... Who messes with someone who has Musafa next to him? No one. Now, have you tried to put a sweater on Musafa? Me either...which would coincide with my No Dressing Pets As Humans rule. Live it, Love it.

Sincerely,

The Yellow Factor

Dear The Yellow Factor,

What do you sing in the shower? And... I have rules for watching television and one of them is...don't make noise asshole. Yet, my boyfriend insists on eating chips out of a bag during TV and makes that CRINKLECRINKLECRINKLE sound and when I glare at him he just shrugs and says "What?". What do I do?

Help,

LifeLove&Wine

Dear LifeLove&Wine,

Making Love Out Of Nothing At All - Air Supply.

You have hit a nerve, LifeLove&Wine. I hate noise during TV and movies. I was in a movie once and these two guys behind me are laughing, moving around, etc. Like 16 year olds. I turned to my friend and said loudly "what are they tickling each other?". Noise stopped. Another time, a middle eastern woman with her head wrap and baby in a stroller (yes) are behind me and she gets a phone call. Starts talking her native derka derka. Baby starts to...be a damn baby....I look back and say "hey, ssssssssshhhhhhh!!!!". She derked for about 5 seconds more then silence. Food noises are the same. My advice.... Tell him to shut the hell up. Word.

I'm here for you,

The Yellow Factor

Dear The Yellow Factor,

I think I'm the "except for you" person...so... I'd like to remain anonymous. I'm watching TV and I'm going with the first question that is asked...you're in luck...it's Incredibles..."Are you hiding something?"

Thanks,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Yes. And don't be anonymous.

Love,

The Yellow Factor

More questions tomorrow....